allisonjeanphoto

At some point in whatever I’m doing, whether it’s leading worship or playing soccer, I desperately want out. There isn’t a pattern to it. I wish there was a way to predict it because it could save me a lot of heartbreak, especially when this goes into relationships in my life. If I’m talking about something that means a lot to me, I can’t look people in the eye because I’m afraid of what they’re thinking. I can’t commit to decisions, relationships, or time constraints. I keep myself unbearably busy, not only because I’m filling my time with the things I love, but also because I’m terrified of facing the things I know I’ll find if I just let myself sit still and listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit. There comes a time when living this way turns into exhaustion. I desperately want to be the kind of person who knows how to love without getting tired. I don’t want to be afraid of forever. But I don’t understand how one thing, or one person, can be your life’s calling. Anyway. Everything I’m talking about has been putting a serious damper on my creativity. I’ve had no desire to get out my camera since I got back to Brownwood. Even with this 52 week project that is supposedly holding me accountable, I haven’t found any kind of inspiration to get it out. I’m sick of just taking snapshots of life and making like it’s art. It’s not art. It’s not hard or challenging to me. I’m not saying this to say I’ve learned all I can or that I think I’m just so good that there’s no where else to go. I just mean, I am sick and tired of seeking my own acclamation for things I don’t feel like even deserve it. Because really, that’s a lot of my motivation behind that project. I’ve kind of decided I don’t want to do the project just to do it. I refuse to settle for mediocrity. I think it’s better to not do work at all than to produce something I don’t even like. You may disagree. And at another time I may disagree. But right now, this is what makes the most sense to me.

All that being said, today…today for the first time in weeks…I was inspired. I sat in my Film Photography class just completely enthralled with the idea that photography used to be an art. It used to be so much guesswork and required so much skill. The tools I have mastered through photoshop actually had a beginning long before computers or technology. Dodging and burning aren’t just buttons on a sidebar. They are tedious processes filled with huge amounts of guesstimation. (PS…I say the the phrase “used to be an art” not because I feel like there isn’t anyone who is creating art with photography but because I’ve let it dwindle to a science in my life.) I realized how much people used to have to work for the images we so easily can create these days. As I listened to my teacher, I doodled and brainstormed upcoming shoots…something I’ve avoided for months. Today I’ve decided this. I don’t want to take snapshots with a nice camera. I want to take photographs. I want to WORK for the image I produce.

I still don’t know why I have the hardest time committing to the passions God gives me, but moments like today show me why he’s given them to me. I don’t have a plan yet, but stay tuned. I have a lot of ideas of what this could potentially look like.

LJ and I play soccer together at good ol’ Howard Payne. Jon and I actually carpooled together in elementary school…super small world moment when we reconnected at school this year! They began dating last November, and LJ messaged me on facebook this summer asking if I’d want to do some pictures for them. I said OF COURSE! Couple shoots are probably my FAVORITE sessions ever, and I’m pumped to show this one to you.

I loooove that one above! LJ you are BEAUTIFUL!

And I’ll end with this. I ADORE this picture!

Have a great week everyone!

I was so glad we got to fit these pictures in! I have barely any time home before I leave for school, and we squeezed these in at sunrise last Saturday. Dave is my cousin, and I love his beautiful family. I took pictures of Jack last summer, but this was my first time to meet Emaline. They live in Knoxville and visited for just a couple of days. It was so good catching up and getting these shots of their beeeeautifulness. Enjoy!

Some days I just feel things differently than others. Blame it on my girliness. Blame it on my youth. Blame it on the fact that I miss Matt so freaking much and that I’m realizing how hard these next five months are going to be. It doesn’t change the fact that some days are just emotional days. I don’t mean emotional in the sense that I’m a blubbering mess. It’s just those days where I feel. I feel sadness and delight and tranquility and excitement. That may not make sense to anyone else but me, and that’s ok.

Anyway. The reason I’m even writing all this on my photography blog is because I just read this post and this post on Clayton Austin’s photography blog, and it made my heart melt. I love those moments where someone writes words that speak to your heart. It seems so purely coincidental at times, but I know God places those ‘coincidences’ in our lives to let us know that Jesus has the ability to look at our hardships and say, “Me too.” I love that imagery.

Clayton Austin used this quote in one of those posts, and it resonated with me:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.”
-Neil Gaiman, an early American novelist

I know that’s so horribly depressing, but it made me feel. Sometimes I think it’s necessary to remember how horrifying and heartbreaking love can be because it’s only then that we can move forward and find the love that’s everlasting and true. The kind of love that said, “Me too.” It’s the kind of love that says, “Despite the potential for hurt, you are worth it to me.”(I’m talking either spiritually or relationally.)

I was talking to an older friend the other day about life and she was just saying how hard really is. “It really doesn’t get any easier like you want it to. I look back on life and marriage and raising kids, and my goodness…life is HARD.” Even as we talked, we noted how we aren’t normally the type to sit and bum out about how hard life or love is, and I realized more than ever that it’s only through those recognitions that we can find peace. It’s a weird combination, but it happened for me that day in Jason’s Deli. What I love more than anything is that I know tomorrow I will wake up so much more appreciative of the day I’ve been given and the relationships I’ve been blessed with because, even though I’ve rambled on in the most depressing blog entry I’ve ever written, most importantly, love is also full of these moments:

And that makes it worth it.

Even when I get annoyed or stressed out with this whole photography thing, these moments make it worth it. That moment when nothing else in the world matters to these two people because they have each other and they have love. That moment they can always look back on when the day comes where life doesn’t seem so happily-ever-after. The moment that reminds them, “This is where I belong.”

The moment that’s too beautiful not to share.

“Does anyone have a chiffon, flowy dress and want to model for meee??”

That’s what I posted as my facebook status about two weeks ago. I got a response from Rachael, an old friend from elementary school. She’s modeled before for my friend Aubrey, and I knew instantly she’d be PERFECT. The dress she had wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but I knew it wouldn’t matter. My inspiration came from a shoot I saw on one of the blogs I follow. My goal was to create a sort of fairy-tale-like feel to the shoot. I wanted to switch it up a bit and be less sexy, less glamorous than some of my previous shoots and instead have an old, vintage feel.

We agreed to meet up at 730 while the light was still soft outside, and of course, I awoke at 750 to my mom saying, “What happened to your photoshoot this morning?” I bolted awake, frantically called Rachael (who was also running late, thank goodness), and raced toward Shiloh Cumberland Presbyterian. That is the story of my life. But thank you Jesus, there was a perfect amount of cloud cover which kept the light soft for us for the rest of the morning. It really was an absolutely beautiful day, and let me tell you…Rachael can ROCK that camera. I kept telling her, “I feel like I should be directing you somehow, but I can’t think of anything better than what you’re already doing…” haha. For real. I can’t wait to work with her again!

Here are some of the favorites.

I LOVE THAT LAST ONE! That’s my favorite of the day for suuure.

Thank you SOO much Rachael for doing this for me. You are sooo good, and I can’t wait to see where modeling takes you.

On a side note, I realize I suck at blogging. I want to get better at it, but then I’ll spend even more time on the computer. And I just can’t justify that right now with everything else going on. So I make no guarantees, but I’m going to TRY to start blogging more regularly. I may even steal my sister’s Friday Five or something like that. We’ll see!

This spring, Becca and I worked SO hard to get together to do her senior pictures. Between storms and being three hundred miles apart, we had our work cut out for us. Finally we met one beautiful day halfway in Glen Rose, TX, and it couldn’t have been more PERFECT! I have a friend at school who is from there, and she gave me the lowdown on all the best spots. It was the first time I hadn’t been to the place we planned to shoot beforehand, and I was reeally nervous about that. But Becca and her mom were such champs and seriously up for anything. They came prepared with adorable props like those gorgeous flowers above, bubbles…she even brought a little ladder for me. These are some of my favorite portraits ever, and I’m so glad to get to share them! I got a little behind on blogging this spring… Enjoy!

Happy Monday!

Yay I’m on time! For this week, I knew I wanted to plan ahead, so I did what every networking-savvy photog would do and asked for ideas on facebook. I’m so pumped I got a lot of response because I have a ton of ideas that may just last the whole summer. Woohoo. But anywayyyy.

A very old friend Erica Fischer of EMF Images commented on my request for ideas saying, “Come with me to a sunflower field!” Since she was the only one who commented with an actual let’s-do-this kind of idea, I knew I couldn’t pass it up. Plus, I love picking other photographers’ brains so much. We met on bright and early (well, for me…she’d been up a few hours before me!) and headed down to Abbott, TX in search of these sunflowers that are bigger than my face! I mean they look cool and all, but seriously…they freak me out. I don’t know what it is about them. Fear of a flower is kindaaa strange, I must admit, but what can I say? Oh, and speaking of Abbott…it’s the CUTEST town you’ve ever seen. I texted my friend Jeffri as soon as I got back that day to see if she’d be willing to travel a bit for her bridals we have coming up this fall because it’s the PICTURE PERFECT place for them. I absolutely can’t WAIT.

SO. Thank you Erica for such a fun morning and showing me a new place to shoot! It was so much fun getting to hang out!

I realized the other day my 24-70 has pretty decent macro settings. Love this one.

I love framing more than LIFE! I’m really into framing with nature objects these days apparently because I find I have at least one similar shot in every shoot I’ve done in recent months.

Erica, I know you’re all shy about having your picture taken, but you are STUNNING!

This turned out so fun!

Since I put the ones up of Erica, it’s only fair I include at least one of me… even though it really is awkward for me to be in front of the camera. I thought I would love it, but all I feel is DISCOMFORT! Now I guess I know how clients feel.

Happy Friday! (Well, Saturday technically.)

Ok seriously. I need to get better at posting my 52.week project!

I’m gonna play catch up in this post and post some of my favorites from the past few weeks so that I can post THIS week’s. Yay!

First up is pictures from the lovey-dovey shoot that Matt and I did during week 10 with my best friend Nat and her bf Taylor.

Awww.

Next is a very long time coming collaboration with the AMAZING Sarah Collom during week 11. Our goal was to do an all-natural-girl-in-the-water kind of shoot. I wanted to test out some new lighting techniques as well and oh my GOSH I couldn’t be happier with these images.

AHHHH I still love this picture more than LIFE!

Aaand then I went to Spain for two weeks! So these are my favorite of all the ones I used from the trip. I decided to do a week over street artists in Madrid. Looove the way they turned out.

Stay tuned for some Texas-sized sunflowers!